he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
