Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
