Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
