Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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