Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
