you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize