its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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