i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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