Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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