Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
this just has baby written all over it
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
