Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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