yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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