Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize