I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
