A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
