how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize