she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
