I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
