we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
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