I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
