there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
