It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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