Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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