if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
