Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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