I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
