You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Damn victory sex feels great
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
