So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
