He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
