is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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