My first STD was from a foam party
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
