she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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