How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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