Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
