if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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