i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
