i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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