Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
