so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
