did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize