My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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