I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
and she was petting her beer can
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
