i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
