I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize