matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
