I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sext me about skeletons
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
