Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The power of my boobs compel you
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
