put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
