Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Randomize
