She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
