Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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