Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The air was thick with penises
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
