You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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