Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
