Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
