im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
