I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize