Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
